starting over


Posts Tagged ‘Thoughts’

What’s going on?

*Blows the dust off* Wow, it’s been a while hasn’t it?

I took a hiatus from blogging as I’m sure you’ve noticed. I felt like I wasn’t really saying anything of importance, so it didn’t really matter if I put things up here. But then I started to miss it, and sometimes I would think back to what I did last month and my brain would be full of tumble weeds. Just tumbling along.

So I’m back. The updates won’t be very frequent, but I’m feeling the need to do some documenting, because even photos aren’t enough sometimes. Like when you look at a picture and you see everyone smiling, you can remember that it was a great day and the dinner was nice, but do you really remember when Steph commented about an old boyfriend writing her poems using the lyrics to backstreet boys until she finally said — and then Chris interrupts with “quit playing games with my heart” and everyone nearly threw up laughing? Those aren’t the memories I want to forget. I know some friends are for life, but for the ones whose paths cross with yours for a brief point in time, what will you remember about them? And what will you remember about yourself when you look back 10 years from now? Will you remember all those promises you made to improve your life, to learn new skills, to do something amazing?

I read somewhere that people who write down their goals and document their thought process are the most likely to succeed at achieving them, simply because they’ve thought it out well enough on paper that it becomes realistic enough. So let’s start there. I’ll post again in a bit with a one year plan and we’ll see how far we get.

Look Sideways

I love the Old Spice commercial “The Man Your Man Can Smell Like“. It’s awesome because by the time the commercial ends you think “what on earth just happened?!”. I reference this commercial now because I think this is how my life is. I’m focused on something and even though I’m extremely focused on it, there is something happening in the background that I don’t quite understand or don’t realize or don’t pay attention to, and then suddenly I’m stunned that whatever was happening in the background is now front-and-center and has my undivided attention, but I don’t know how it got there!

When I fly out on Wednesday, I will have spent a total of 2 weeks in Toronto, with almost all of it being vacation. During my time here, I got to not only help Elaine out during her wedding, but I’ve also had the opportunity meet with a few friends who I hardly get to see and spend time talking to my parents. Usually when I book a trip back home, I complain that it’s not really a vacation because I usually work out of Toronto to save my vacation days, and I don’t have a lot of time to see other people, but with two weeks here and me actually making an effort to meet up with people, I feel that this trip has been truly a great experience. Every now and then people need to take that step away from their regular path and look sideways and see what’s passing by.

Today I had the wonderful opportunity to meet one on one with Ken and Derek, both friends whom I’ve known since high school and elementary school respectively. They’ve both moved out of their North York homes and into downtown (and fairly close to each other – I walked from one persons place to the other!) and I both are getting married within the year. These are two people that I grew old and grew up with and having this time to sit and talk with them about what they’re doing and how they’re doing was like opening half-closed doors again.

When I look at both of them as they tell me their new life, I can’t help but remember the fourteen year old boy who I hung out with at the park back in the day, or the boy in grade two I used to be really mean to. Ken has since met this wonderful person while I was in Vancouver, and now he’s going to marry her! And while I live my mundane life on the other side of the country, I feel like so many things are happening everywhere, and I want to be a part of it! But I have blinders on, and I just look forward at this line that’s leading me to some hazy destination I can’t figure out yet, and all these things are passing me by. All these people are growing up, and I’m not around to see it and to be a part of it. I’m not there to celebrate in the joys, and to cry in the disappointments. How lonely a life can be when you live for yourself!

This isn’t to say that my life with lonely with A. I am very much in love and happy with my relationship. But I feel as though I haven’t moved anywhere in my life – Derek says I’ve been driving on a highway without knowing the destination for the last four years. And now that I look back I see all the things I’ve missed and all the relationships I’ve let slide, and the worst part is I don’t know what for because I don’t know what my end goal is. Today I have pulled over to the side of the road and looked back at all the exits I could’ve taken as a detour and asked myself why. What am I moving towards? What am I passionate about so much that I’ve given up all these other opportunities. While this answer hasn’t come to me yet, I’ve become aware of the fact that I truly do need to know this in order to feel okay about moving forward again.

So, how does one find their passion?

I feel small

when I’m riding in the back of my parents car and I look out of the window and I see flat land for miles and miles and big looming fluffy clouds overhead. If you think about it, we’re all so tiny on such a big plot of land. One of my favourite things to do is to stand under a tree on a beautiful sunny blue-skied day and look up at the green leaves to see the sparkles of sun peeking through. I’m constantly mesmorized by the fact that the tree has been around for longer than I’ve been alive and still continues to grow so big and so tall that I can stand under one, reach up, and still not touch it’s lowest branch. I love being under a giant tree because it reminds me of how amazing nature is, and I don’t even have to go far to give myself a reality check – even on the streets downtown I can easily find a tree to look up at on any street there. Sometimes I get carried away with amazement that I end up causing people being me to grumble as they suddenly have to dodge a crazy person staring at a tree during rush hour shuffle.

I think I’ve hit a quarter life crisis. And my anxiety and stress is a giant flashing neon sign that both my brain and my body are signalling. I feel small. I feel tiny. I feel scared. I hear about earthquakes and floods all over the world. I read about bombings and riots and suicides. I’m home and in the comfort of my family, but if I look close enough I can see the wrinkles and the slower walking pace and the greater resting frequency and it makes me so terribly sad inside. My mom came and sat with me two nights ago and we talked about when she first moved to Canada and her stories were amazing, and when I thought about all the time that had passed in her life and how she’s one day not going to be here to tell me these stories, I almost burst into tears.

My brain has been telling me that the world is a scary place. Everywhere I stand, I’m constantly checking my body, assessing the danger factors around me, and worrying. In a world where everything is supposedly easier, I’m bombarded by a sudden urgency to make decisions about the rest of my life – where to have children, when to have children, living arrangements, timelines, caretaking. I moved to Vancouver and lived in a bubble of teenage bliss – the kind where you are young and carefree and don’t need to worry about anything because you just want to experience life and not have to make adult decisions. But the time to be an adult is slowly creeping up on me and I don’t feel ready. I come home hoping for the comforts of being a child and I see my beautiful family aging before me. I come home and I don’t recognize streets anymore, I see massive developments where small houses used to be, I see new restaurants where old ones once stood, and I feel like I’ve been sitting in an anchored boat that’s lost in a sea of change. I have a lot of grown up decisions to make, and I need to start sailing forward. It scares me.

I’m waiting for the terrible weather here to turn into weather that’s suitable for the clothes I brought home. I’m waiting for the sun to start peeking out again and the skies to clear up so I can stand beneath the chestnut tree in my front yard and stare up into the sky and think about how the tree looks just like it did when I first moved into the house twenty years ago. Saying that makes me feel old already…

On Engagement.

In my constant trolling for wedding inspirations, I found the most amazing wedding cake.

Super Mario Wedding Cake!

Bow down in it’s glory. It’s so very cool.

One of my loves in being in a relationship with someone is that you teach each other to see from different perspectives. A finds this extremely difficult to do (teach me) because I’m a big stubborn person who loudly exclaims “I don’t like change, I like things to be the way they are because it makes me comfortable.” But, my friends, the world is constantly changing, and if we want to make a difference, we must change as well.

Being with A has taught me that I tend to go with the flow. I do things because everyone else does them, and I don’t want to look stupid by not doing it or by doing something else. I am comfortable being just another face in the crowd, I am comfortable not drawing attention to myself. A on the other hand, is comfortable when he does what he wants and what he deems to be important regardless of what strangers think of him. While I admire him for his way of thinking, I would refuse to be in the same boat. To each their own.

While I love being in a relationship that challenges me to learn new things, I’m always stuck at the point where I’m more comfortable in my own bubble. A always finds this extremely frustrating and constantly re-evaluates whether the want to teach me new ideas is worth the bickering. We tend to look at things very differently, and I wonder if it makes a relationship harder to grow. Not to say I don’t grow at all – I’ve become better (a lot better) at saving money, I re-evaluate the necessity of items when I shop, I’ve tried to read books he recommends in order to learn more of his interests. I wonder if he notices these things. And I wonder if there is ever a point where he stops to think about whether he would really want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks the exact same way he does. I think I’m a little bitter because we constantly get into disappointing conversations where I don’t seem to care about my future, or my goals, or the use of my time, and all these negative statements are making me wonder how far I need to jump before he says he loves me the way I am. It seems strange that someone would say that and then say “I wish you did _______” or “cared about _______”.

I get the feeling he wishes my in life were in line with his. To be honest, I’m not sure what my priorities in life are at the moment. Is that bad?