starting over


Archive for July, 2010

CASI 2010

At the Statue of Liberty tour:

Tour Guide: where are you all from?
Min: um… Seattle
Matt: oh, I see how it is.
Min: there was a war?
Tee: the War of 1812?
Min: what?
Tee: 1812? You learned this in highschool!
Min: um, yeah. yeah I know. The War of 1812. We won, didn’t we?
Matt: I don’t know who you mean when you say “we” anymore.

NYC was a fantastic trip – I had the most amazing time! Even though Wayne didn’t bust out any of his old dance moves, we had such a blast gathering together to celebrate the next step in life for our friend Lisa. Her wedding was breath-taking! From the views at Steiner Studio Stage 6 to the food to the decorate your own take-home cupcake to the mustaches, it was all crazy fun. I’m sure by now you’ve seen the gazillion photos of me and friends in our sexiest mustache poses (including unibrows, eyebrows, chest hairs, sideburns, etc.), but in case you haven’t, you can see them in the photos section.

This was my first time flying by myself since I developed my anxiety issues, and strangely I felt extremely confident. It’s extremely stressful as you board and before you take off, because every step is a step in the direction away from what I define to be safe area (in this case, the solid ground). I know statistically speaking planes are more safe than automobiles, and tons of people fly in planes every day and nothing happens to them, but something triggers inside you and you always feel like you’re the sane one, and why don’t people realize how dangerous this is! It’s silly, but it’s how my brain works. :(

But anyways, the NYC trip was great, and I think it’s something that I really needed to do. I got to see some great friends, have some deep conversations over beer, and spend some time figuring things out for myself. I’m so blessed to have people who care about me despite the fact we don’t see each other often. After spending five years together in study madness, you develop a close bond, I think. Matt has told me (and it’s something I’ve used a lot lately) to always think of what I know to be true. He used it in a more spiritual sense, but it seems to work well for more practical things. When I’m out canoeing on the water and it gets a little wavy and I start feel nervous, I always ask myself “what do you know to be true?” and then I’ll answer it: “the boat will float if it tips over. even if you can’t right the canoe straight away, you can hold onto it. there really isn’t anything in the ocean that finds you remotely interesting. there are boats around that can come to you if you start screaming for help.” those sorts of things. I used to be upset that I would have to remind myself about these things, because it basically meant that my mind is being occupied by worries, whereas before I never gave it a second thought. But now it’s just become something I do. I find myself to be more cautious, and I take less risks / chance in anything I do, and that in itself is pretty sad, but one step at a time.

Anyways, this year’s NYC trip holds a special place in my heart. It not only gave me time to bond with some special people (all of whom were at my wedding, but I just didn’t have time to have heart to hearts with them!), but it gave me time to figure myself out, and to push my own comfort zones. I always feel like I can’t do something, until I actually do it and then I realize it’s not so bad. But that first step is always the hardest. I hope that when I hit another one of those hurdles, I will have the willpower to take the next step forward, and then the next.

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