starting over


Archive for April, 2001

I missed armageddon. I’m so *grrrrrr*…. you have no idea how much I luv that movie!!! and gosh do I hate physics!!

so I bombed that bio test today. the first m/c question I didn’t understand. and it went downhill from there. there were these “spill your guts” questions (that’s what we call em, it’s basically write anything and everything you know) and it was worth ten marks describing a diagram, and I don’t think I even wrote enough for five. but whatever, I told the teacher that this was the one test I allowed myself to do badly on. but now it’s physics cramming time. I don’t understand anything in that course. E fields and electric potential but it’s not the same as potential… ahhh!!
apparently, there are like, three other ppl who are wearing prom dresses with the same style as mine. luckily for me, I like all three people. not that I don’t like anyone in my school, but if it was someone I wasn’t on good terms with and she had the same colour too, I’d be so *grr*. I guess it’s just a girl thing I dunno. I’m prom excited. hmm, I wonder how much money I have left in my account… I think I only got paid for working one day in the last paycheck. yeesh…
work was really tiring yesterday too. oh my god, I felt so bad, there was this new guy working on pick ups, and we had this psycho rush of ppl around twelve, so I called him to do three pick ups for me and then dianne my cash buddy needed two more pick ups, and so I’m trying to tell him all the items, and he starts hyperventilating. so I pause, and I’m thinking “uhoh, I think he’s having a breakdown…” so I had to try and talk to him and calm him down, and then he started crying over the phone, and I’m standing there holding the receiver and I felt so horrible… dianne was staring at me in shock. work is stressful. I hope he’s doing better…
sonique: craig david – 7 days

so we didn’t win a medal at the unofsaas. which I guess is alrite, cuz we did pretty good. by the last game, my tummy was hurting and paul‘s ankle was hurting. and we had to play against adi and mike. I guess it wasn’t that bad, but it was really odd, cuz jen and ernest had to play against iola and ben. paul and I went out for pho afterwards (he got a lot of weird things in his bowl, I couldn’t help but laugh), and came home in time to catch the last goal of the leafs before they went into OT. I was so disappointed that we didn’t win!! =( um, either than that, my life has been alrite. it’s actually been very up and down this week. I dunno, it’s my own problems. anyways, I’m off to work in an hour. no time to study for bio. ahhh!!

I have two tests the week I come back. actually, i have a lot of crap due next week. It’s gonna be late nites and cups of tea and lots of whining. this is my agenda:
monday: bio test – DNA and RNA
tuesday: physics test – E fields, bio natnl comp, eng movie review
wednesday: nothing! yay!!
thursday: SIN physics contest –spring concert!!–
plus I have a badmitten tourny over at york u today, and I work all tomorrow. hmm… I don’t know how this is gonna work. AND I still need to somehow get 130 bucks for prom money. Granted I got paid yesterday, it’s really not that much cuz I only worked one day during those two weeks. I can’t believe I woke up so frekkin early today. it’s like, nine. I actually got out of bed at 8:30. on a saturday. my system is messed….
sonique: Jacky Cheung & Regine Valesquez – In Love With You

I really don’t feel like posting today because my situation/day/week/life is just getting worse by the hour. it’s psychotic how my world is falling apart and how I’m hurting people no matter how hard I try not to. I still have a physics lab to do and I’ve been at the computer since seven, but I’ve been crying half of the time, so I haven’t gotten any work done whatsoever. and everyone’s mad at me. it’s the worst feeling in the world. the only good thing that happened to me today is when laine msged me on icq saying:

oh my god… it’s such a bad situation… now even more people are upset at me.

well I’m not.
you know what?
you did waht you thought was right and would be the least painful..
you did your part.
so you made a mistake.. that’s not your fault.. you were TRYING your BEST

she’s the best friend in the world.

I have the sudden urge to cry. I lay there in my bed for two hours talking on the phone. every time there was a silence, I felt this fear that creeped up into my throat, tugging on my heart, tensing my muscles, throwing paranoid thoughts into my mind. the longer the silence, the quicker the fear grew. soon it just engulfed me, swallowing me whole like a mouse, victim to a snake. I was helpless, sitting there, straining to hear a sound out of this vast emptiness, straining to hear a sign of life. only then would this pain subside.
by the time I hung up the phone, my heart was racing. I was cold all over, I could barely move. and thoughts still screamed through my mind, making it impossible to ignore them. my head hurts. my heart hurts. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. somebody please help me.
sonique: 3eb – deep inside of you

I had one of the worst days of my life yesterday. I actually started writing a blog at one in the morning, trying to hard to express my emotions without giving away too much details and names. but it was too hard and I wasn’t even thinking straight so I had to stop. I cried for a long time last nite, didn’t sleep til 4:30. time actually goes by really quickly when you’re writing. I don’t know what to do right now. I’m really tired. but I don’t want to sleep yet cuz I know I have homework to do. I wanna see paul, but it’s pretty impossible at the moment, and he’s studying for a chem test. at least, I hope he’s studying… I’m looking forward to a weekend of badmitten. I know, I’m a geek, shut up. =P

* h a p p y – b i r t h d ay *
my lil bro is turning the sweet 16! *huggies* check it out — flipmode1dea

kay, I’m psychotically drained at the moment, too much work and not even sleep. I need to relax. stress… complete stress… argh….

unexplainable phenomenons seem to hit me like a cow being hit my a meteor. unexpected, quick, and damaging. I can’t stop crying. I’ve humbled myself greatly this weekend to a friend I’ve known since grade ten. I’ve spent hours awake in the middle of the night thinking about my life, about how I’ve found the most perfect person in the world, and how I might lose him. and the most amazing part is, I just keep digging a deeper hole for myself.
I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m screwing up my life, his life, my friend’s life. and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get myself out of this situation, I don’t want to hurt anyone. I wish there was some way the pain could be cast on me and they’d be happy. I wish there was some way to make things better. I can’t stop worrying, and I don’t know what I’m doing. I really need some comfort. or a hammer.

it’s 11:40 and I’m in computers class. I woke up at 6:30 to write this da vinci contest. I think I might’ve scored zero. which is fine, cuz it’s actually possible to get a negative score. how upsetting is that?? I’m so tired.I haven’t been getting enough sleep. donna’s skipping fifth so taht we can go have bubbo-t. I need to hand in fifty bucks by tomorrow for the unOFSAAs, and another 22 for a grad tie. I have no money whatsoever. I don’t get paid til friday, and my paycheck is probably only 70 bucks or something. thank god laine owes me money.
I can’t seem to think straight at the moment. my brain is totally warped, that contest was hard. it was twenty questions of stuff I didn’t know. hahaha, my favourite question was one about 25 acres is equal to some other ground unit which is equal to how many soccer fields? they gave this hint that a soccer field fits inside a track field which is about the same size as a football field. I just sat there thinking “why the HELL am I writing this again?!”
I really need a hug. and iola‘s away on her trip to washington. she won’t be back til thursday nite. *pouts*
and paul’s busy after school so I can’t see him after school. =(
sonique: the song in the commercial for josie n the pussycats

so I had an interesting saturday. I only worked for two hours and the store is legally binded to pay me a minimum of three hours (way to cheat the system dianne!!) and then paul picked me up. this boy makes me so happy, I swear. *huggies* =) mm… and then we met up with jamie and friends for her birthday party. that’s when the nite went interesting. but I don’t think I’m allowed to spill the details here. I couldn’t sleep last nite. my mind just wouldn’t stop thinking. I talked on the phone with paul til 2:30, and then I stayed up another hour writing a letter out.
I had to work today too. I got stuck with this rotten shift of 11 to close, so I got out at 8:30. during my last break, I called paul, cuz I just really needed to talk to him. and he came to my work place. he actually came to visit me. I was so happy!! I wish I could’ve stayed with him longer, but he came like, two minutes before I had to go. *pout* and now I hafta study for the da vinci. I don’t know anything engineering, and the contest is tomorrow. I didn’t have time to study all weekend. how bad is this?? ai…

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